Words of affirmation
Words of affirmation…its one of those those things I struggle to provide to my wife. i’ve always justified the lack of encouraging words to her because I’ve always felt that love through form of action, rather than words, are more effective vehicles of displaying this. actions speak louder than words, do they not?
I felt that displaying my love could be seen by the fact that I provide financial stability for our family. work my ass off and keep my internal struggles inside…thats how to “be a man”
interestingly enough, i only discovered through the help of our mutual friends, that my wife had been feeling slighted by me, because I had not been giving her simple words of encouragement…and that she felt the things I would communicate to her were criticisms, telling her what to do, solving her “problems”,etc, etc…in my stupidity, i was completely oblivious to what i was saying, and how my words and tone were being conveyed…
With further thought, i completely forgot about the times when i used to write long letters to Soo, just opening myself to her and sharing words of encouragement. simple things like that were what she appreciated and looked forward to… Recently, either through assumption, or laziness i completely stopped…
it all hit home this past weekend, when my wife went off to a women’s retreat. Jess, one of the retreat organizers, suggested that the men of the church write to the ladies, short words of encouragement. at first, i didn’t understand the reasoning behind it. i mean, i see my wife every day. why do i need to write this letter? she knows how much i love her and all that…
but in any case, I took a few minutes out of my work day, and put the following few words together…
Dear Soo,
Hope you’re having a good time…I know there was a part of you that was hesitant in going to this retreat, but it’s just another opportunity for God to share His love with you =).
Even though I complain that you worry about me too much and that you should trust me more, inside I am comforted that God has placed someone in my life that loves me so much as you do.
I love and miss you. See you on Sunday.
Rob-boon
just to give you a little background, Soo really didn’t want to go to the retreat, but felt pressured into going. it started on Friday, but Soo initially planned to wait until Saturday to go. it annoyed the crap out of me. there was no reason for her not to go, she wouldn’t get the full experience.
finally, through my constant nagging, Soo reluctantly changed her mind and went on Friday. so my letter kinda reflected a small apology for being a jerkface…
Fast forward to Sunday, Soo comes home (i didn’t get to go to church b/c my car broke down on the NJ turnpike…another post), and gives me a big hug. we have our initial small talk and whatever, and then she shares how she was so touched that I wrote my little note and that she shared her note to the other girls. she went on and on about it for some time.
lol the only thoughts going on in my head were that i probably sounded corny or whatever. but it finally hit me that i wasn’t doing something fundamental to husband 101.
as a husband, one of the most important responsibilities are to shut up, listen, and encourage. hopefully, i can remember to refer to this post as a helpful reminder to continuously perform this duty: remember to willingly and joyfully, vocally speak more words of encouragement , and take the time to write small notes letting her know I’m there for her. =p
Words of affirmation are extremely powerful. Positive affirmations will build up and negative affirmations will tear down. The effect is pronounced in children. But it still works with adults too. Keep up the good work with your relationship. The rewards will far outstrip the effort.
You are blessed that your eyes have been opened. As a wife, I know more of what I don’t do than what I do is right. My heart is lonely. Keep doing what you are doing for your wife.